Current Feelings On Solo Travel

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I am 12 days away from an amazing trip to New York City. The itinerary that I have planned out is extensive, meticulous, and best of all, ME-centric.  The whole trip from day 1-8 is tailored, with no compromises, to MY idea of MY dream NYC.  I should be ecstatic right? Well I am, but also I’m not.  This is my first time traveling solo and my emotions are all over the place.

I booked my trip 6 months ago.  In the beginning stages I felt brave, empowered, and incredibly bold.  I felt like I was the stuff of legends. That I was worthy of worship by girls everywhere who dream of seeing the world one day.  I felt powerful because I wasn’t letting fear dictate my actions.  I felt adventurous because I was doing something that I know my friends and family wouldn’t do.  I’m going to big bad New York and I’m going alone!

As the time has passed, about 2 months from the trip, I started to feel resentful because nobody I know can or wants to travel…at least not with me.  I struggled with anger and jealousy because people who couldn’t travel with me, always seem to find the time/money/want with someone else.  I have actually said good-bye to a significant relationship recently over this exact issue (by being dramatic and saying “goodbye”, I only mean to imply that I will never feel close to this person again and if I’m speaking honestly, I don’t really want to).  I feel emotions for people very deeply and when I am hurt, I do not recover.  I detach.  It is the way I am and it has worked for me for over 3 decades.  I won’t change this about myself.  So yeah, this was a dark, angry time in the vacation planning stage.  I am not over here poor me-ing myself.  I have plenty of friends, but I do not have plenty of friends with the combination of an amazing travel buddy: the want, the finances, and a family life that allows them the time to travel.  Those are a rare combo to come by.  Cherish that shit if you have it.

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Right around 1 month away I got really excited about the trip again because I started to plan my itinerary and I actually saw that my hotel was in the middle of EVERYTHING cool in NYC.  So I was walking on cloud 9 and I started to buy a few outfits for the trip. I was talking to co-workers and friends about it a lot at this point. I was getting CRAZY compliments from other women, who expressed a desire to travel solo one day.  Being admired is always a nice feeling so this was a good week!

Three weeks away.  Fear hits.  There has been explosions in both New Jersey and New York City this week. I am about to fly into a secret war zone, or at least that’s how I feel.  Should I leave my family to go there? Am I being stupid and dangerous for no reason??  What if something happens and I am alone in a strange place?  I seriously considered canceling at this point and taking a significant financial loss.

Present day.  I am 12 days away from landing in Newark and having a life changing 8 days. I will NOT allow fear to keep me from going.  I won’t.  I need to do this for myself.  I deserve it and I know once it is over I will be so much more rich for the experience.

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I am still struggling with the lonely side of this type of travel as I have no one to get excited with.  THIS is the worse and most saddening part for me.  I can’t KEEP going on to my friends/family/ co-workers with this stuff, their eyes are beginning to glaze over! I actually created this blog as an outlet for my travel excitement, so I guess that is a plus!

Currently, I am back to feeling happy and brave (between the minute moments of melancholy).  I am so entirely up for this adventure. Overwhelmingly I feel positive and proud of myself for undertaking this city-safari solo.  All I can think about is the amazing photos I am going to take while I am there! I will be armed with my Nikon and 4 SD cards!  Also, THE FOOD!! Oh the places I’ll eat!!  I take my Yelping very seriously and I am HYPE for the cuisine.  This is going to be wonderful!! It’s Fall in NY, man, and sweater weather IS better weather!

Go Me!

Update: 4 days until I leave.  OK all of the weird, sad, scared feelings are gone. I am pumped! To be in a whole new place for the first time and to have it be NEW EFFING YORK!!  This is fantastic, just fantastic !

 

 

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