I am 12 days away from an amazing trip to New York City. The itinerary that I have planned out is extensive, meticulous, and best of all, ME-centric. The whole trip from day 1-8 is tailored, with no compromises, to MY idea of MY dream NYC. I should be ecstatic right? Well I am, but also I’m not. This is my first time traveling solo and my emotions are all over the place.
I booked my trip 6 months ago. In the beginning stages I felt brave, empowered, and incredibly bold. I felt like I was the stuff of legends. That I was worthy of worship by girls everywhere who dream of seeing the world one day. I felt powerful because I wasn’t letting fear dictate my actions. I felt adventurous because I was doing something that I know my friends and family wouldn’t do. I’m going to big bad New York and I’m going alone!
As the time has passed, about 2 months from the trip, I started to feel resentful because nobody I know can or wants to travel…at least not with me. I struggled with anger and jealousy because people who couldn’t travel with me, always seem to find the time/money/want with someone else. I have actually said good-bye to a significant relationship recently over this exact issue (by being dramatic and saying “goodbye”, I only mean to imply that I will never feel close to this person again and if I’m speaking honestly, I don’t really want to). I feel emotions for people very deeply and when I am hurt, I do not recover. I detach. It is the way I am and it has worked for me for over 3 decades. I won’t change this about myself. So yeah, this was a dark, angry time in the vacation planning stage. I am not over here poor me-ing myself. I have plenty of friends, but I do not have plenty of friends with the combination of an amazing travel buddy: the want, the finances, and a family life that allows them the time to travel. Those are a rare combo to come by. Cherish that shit if you have it.
Right around 1 month away I got really excited about the trip again because I started to plan my itinerary and I actually saw that my hotel was in the middle of EVERYTHING cool in NYC. So I was walking on cloud 9 and I started to buy a few outfits for the trip. I was talking to co-workers and friends about it a lot at this point. I was getting CRAZY compliments from other women, who expressed a desire to travel solo one day. Being admired is always a nice feeling so this was a good week!
Three weeks away. Fear hits. There has been explosions in both New Jersey and New York City this week. I am about to fly into a secret war zone, or at least that’s how I feel. Should I leave my family to go there? Am I being stupid and dangerous for no reason?? What if something happens and I am alone in a strange place? I seriously considered canceling at this point and taking a significant financial loss.
Present day. I am 12 days away from landing in Newark and having a life changing 8 days. I will NOT allow fear to keep me from going. I won’t. I need to do this for myself. I deserve it and I know once it is over I will be so much more rich for the experience.
I am still struggling with the lonely side of this type of travel as I have no one to get excited with. THIS is the worse and most saddening part for me. I can’t KEEP going on to my friends/family/ co-workers with this stuff, their eyes are beginning to glaze over! I actually created this blog as an outlet for my travel excitement, so I guess that is a plus!
Currently, I am back to feeling happy and brave (between the minute moments of melancholy). I am so entirely up for this adventure. Overwhelmingly I feel positive and proud of myself for undertaking this city-safari solo. All I can think about is the amazing photos I am going to take while I am there! I will be armed with my Nikon and 4 SD cards! Also, THE FOOD!! Oh the places I’ll eat!! I take my Yelping very seriously and I am HYPE for the cuisine. This is going to be wonderful!! It’s Fall in NY, man, and sweater weather IS better weather!
Update: 4 days until I leave. OK all of the weird, sad, scared feelings are gone. I am pumped! To be in a whole new place for the first time and to have it be NEW EFFING YORK!! This is fantastic, just fantastic !