So I Freaked Out a Little…

Ok so I was all set to go to NYC. I had planned and replanned in my mind how everything was going to go.  I arrived at DIA at 6:00 am, an hour and 55 minutes before my plane took off.  Originally I was scheduled for a non-stop, 3 hr 45 min flight to Newark, but NOOOOOOO when I am checking in I get the notification that I now board at 11 am and have a 25 min layover in Columbus, OH and I wont be reaching Newark now until 6 pm.  All I could think about was that there was NO WAY I was making that connecting flight.  I have never made the connecting flight when the layover is less than an hr and a half…..I literally had an anxiety attack and before I even could complete my check in I called my husband in tears and made him turn around and come get me.

My brain could literally not handle the change in schedule.  All I could think about was being alone in a new city with no one and all of the things that could go wrong and I just panicked and ran out of the airport.  This is not something I even was remotely aware that I was capable of.  I have flown over 30 times in my life.  I just never thought I was that inflexible.  It was a hard (and expensive) thing to learn about myself.

Today I am dealing with the aftermath of my decision.  I am out $3000 in airfare and hotel room fees, not to mention the $500 in clothing and travel accessories I picked up specifically for this trip.  Every show I have watched during my impromptu staycation has featured NYC and I am mentally going over my itinerary thinking to myself, “if I was in NYC right now, I’d have already been to the MET…” and so on.  The mental beating I have been giving myself has me spiraling through every emotion.  I have gone from  pure self-disgust to anguish to depression and now to acceptance. I am working on forgiving myself, but that may take some time.

I have decided the only way to make this right is to reschedule asap.  I can’t even really look at myself without feeling just a massive disappointment. I can’t live with this feeling of defeat.  The enemy is myself here and I need to beat me.  I need to make peace with this.  I have a few trips coming up with family so the soonest I could reschedule would be for June, but after Xmas I have decided to re-book the same trip. Same hotel, all of it.  I need to do this.

Update Dec. 2016: It has been a few months now and I have to say that I have most 14333607_306336836390586_945504077089820308_ndefinitely forgiven myself.  My best friend and companion, the beautiful Nanook the husky, died on what would have been my last day in NYC. I would have flown home to a dead best friend.  I would have been devastated.  Instead, I got to be there with her, playing with her only moments before her heart just stopped.  I will be eternally thankful for those last moments.  I am grateful that I trusted my instincts and didn’t get on that plane.  I know for some people the dog is just the dog.  This is not who I am…in my core I bonded with Nanook.  She had previously been abused and I had previously been incredibly lonely.  We found each other.

Anyway, money is money and that is really the only loss here.  I still plan to go back in June, but I no longer carry those feelings of guilt and remorse.  When I am there in 2017, I’m sure I will think of her often.


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