Ok so I was all set to go to NYC. I had planned and replanned in my mind how everything was going to go. I arrived at DIA at 6:00 am, an hour and 55 minutes before my plane took off. Originally I was scheduled for a non-stop, 3 hr 45 min flight to Newark, but NOOOOOOO when I am checking in I get the notification that I now board at 11 am and have a 25 min layover in Columbus, OH and I wont be reaching Newark now until 6 pm. All I could think about was that there was NO WAY I was making that connecting flight. I have never made the connecting flight when the layover is less than an hr and a half…..I literally had an anxiety attack and before I even could complete my check in I called my husband in tears and made him turn around and come get me.
My brain could literally not handle the change in schedule. All I could think about was being alone in a new city with no one and all of the things that could go wrong and I just panicked and ran out of the airport. This is not something I even was remotely aware that I was capable of. I have flown over 30 times in my life. I just never thought I was that inflexible. It was a hard (and expensive) thing to learn about myself.
Today I am dealing with the aftermath of my decision. I am out $3000 in airfare and hotel room fees, not to mention the $500 in clothing and travel accessories I picked up specifically for this trip. Every show I have watched during my impromptu staycation has featured NYC and I am mentally going over my itinerary thinking to myself, “if I was in NYC right now, I’d have already been to the MET…” and so on. The mental beating I have been giving myself has me spiraling through every emotion. I have gone from pure self-disgust to anguish to depression and now to acceptance. I am working on forgiving myself, but that may take some time.
I have decided the only way to make this right is to reschedule asap. I can’t even really look at myself without feeling just a massive disappointment. I can’t live with this feeling of defeat. The enemy is myself here and I need to beat me. I need to make peace with this. I have a few trips coming up with family so the soonest I could reschedule would be for June, but after Xmas I have decided to re-book the same trip. Same hotel, all of it. I need to do this.
Update Dec. 2016: It has been a few months now and I have to say that I have most definitely forgiven myself. My best friend and companion, the beautiful Nanook the husky, died on what would have been my last day in NYC. I would have flown home to a dead best friend. I would have been devastated. Instead, I got to be there with her, playing with her only moments before her heart just stopped. I will be eternally thankful for those last moments. I am grateful that I trusted my instincts and didn’t get on that plane. I know for some people the dog is just the dog. This is not who I am…in my core I bonded with Nanook. She had previously been abused and I had previously been incredibly lonely. We found each other.
Anyway, money is money and that is really the only loss here. I still plan to go back in June, but I no longer carry those feelings of guilt and remorse. When I am there in 2017, I’m sure I will think of her often.